On the days I am choked with your memory, when the good times return to me so fleetingly, I allow myself to feel your presence around me again. I allow myself to breathe in the memory before exhaling as fast as I possibly can. Thinking of you is a slippery slope. I have wiled days away in your memory before, days when I should have been working, productive, doing anything but remembering you.
I wonder sometimes if there is a way you can find a way to block out someone entirely from your memory. Other days I try and find reasons to hate you and fail. A part of me has begun to believe that I may never ever get over this, the greatest loss I have endured emotionally. And no matter how many self help books I read, how many stories I find about losing people, I have not found a way to let go of you.
So instead, I allow myself to feel your memory, who you are, as deeply as I possibly can. Thinking that eventually the feelings will wear away, will find their way away from me. Maybe one day, I can teach the aching wolf that insists you are my only mate that I am not a wolf at all. I am human, and humans can have many mates. That I was wrong in thinking you were the only one. There are pieces of us strewn in everything I do. And sometimes, I think the pain will never end.
But here is what I believe, about losing the great love of your life. I believe people, for no reason sometimes, can become toxic for each other. I believe that love sometimes can be a terrible thing that does not allow you to grow. I believe that love sometimes hides the truth about the person you love. And I genuinely believe that self love is the most powerful love of them all.
And although I am suffering now. Although I am in pain, and I miss you terribly. I know that ending the forever story that was us was the right decision to make. This is me, saying I will always miss you. This is also me saying, I never ever want you back.
