Often, the most distressing comment a parent can hear is, “You are the parent; you should know better!” Society expects parents to have innate wisdom that automatically translates to perfect actions as soon as they step into the role. However, raising a child is not an instinctively developed skill. Apart from the urge to protect your child and make them feel safe, everything is new for any parent. Raising a child requires a constant effort of learning, listening, observing, making mistakes, bouncing back, using intuitive thinking, and having lots of patience.
As a parent, it’s important to acknowledge that making mistakes is a natural part of the learning process. Instead of beating yourself up for not knowing everything, focus on being open to learning, seeking help when needed, and being kind and compassionate to yourself and your child.
Each child is a unique human being with their own temperament and zest for life. Our children are a beautiful gift, Amanah (trust) from Allah Subhanahu Wa Tala. Each one is different, and we interact and respond to them accordingly.
have spent several hours working with female clients who are stuck in a pattern of shame, guilt, and self-loathing, truly believing that they are unworthy of self-compassion.
One of my clients once told me, “I can’t be easy on myself. I can’t say it’s okay to make mistakes. I can’t say I am still learning and giving myself grace. Wouldn’t that be narcissistic? Running away from taking up the responsibility to become better?”
Her lack of self-worth was deeply rooted in her childhood experiences, where she was consistently belittled, compared, and bullied for having a particular kind of personality. As an adult, this caused her to struggle with confidence and self-assurance, leading her to doubt her abilities and accomplishments. She also found it challenging to express her true self and often felt the need to conform to others’ expectations, which led to feelings of self-doubt and a lack of fulfillment.
Self-inflicting patterns of harm can be challenging to break, especially if they have become chronic and deeply ingrained in one’s behavior and mindset.
Undoing these patterns often requires a significant amount of self. reflection, introspection, and self-awareness. It may also involve seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to address underlying emotional or psychological issues that may be contributing harmful behaviors.
Changing these patterns of harm can take time and effort, and it may require making significant changes in one’s life, such as developing new coping strategies, setting boundaries, or learning new communication skills. However, with persistence, dedication, and support, it is possible to break these harmful patterns and develop new, healthier ways of thinking and behaving.
Allah Al Qaway has gifted us the ability and power through His will and mercy to move towards healing.
(Surah Tawba aya 14)
“And soothe the hearts of the believers.”
(Yunus aya 57)
“Mankind, there has come to you a guidance from your Lord and a healing for (the diseases) in your hearts, and for those who believe a guidance and a mercy.”
(al-Isra aya 82)
“And We sent down in the Quran such things that have healing and mercy for the believers”.
Dr. Armour introduced the concept of a functional “heart brain” in 1991. This concept suggests that the heart has an elaborate network of neurons, support cells, and neurotransmitters that enable it to process information, learn, remember, and produce feelings, and then transmit this information from one cell to another. This idea was further supported by research conducted by John and Beatrice Lacey in the 1960s and 1970s, which showed that the heart communicates with the brain in ways that greatly affect how we perceive and react to the world around us.
The Power of Neuroplasticity to repair negative thinking, and trauma
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to adapt and change in response to new experiences and learning. When it comes to recovering from trauma or negative thinking, neuroplasticity plays a crucial role in rewiring the brain’s neural pathways to facilitate healing and growth. Trauma and negative thinking can create neural pathways that reinforce negative thoughts and emotions, but neuroplasticity allows for the formation of new pathways that support positive thoughts and behaviors. Techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), mindfulness meditation, and other forms of therapy and self-care can help achieve this rewiring. CBT can identify and replace negative thought patterns with more positive and realistic ones, while mindfulness meditation can reduce stress and anxiety and promote emotional regulation, leading to changes in the brain’s neural pathways. However, it is important to understand that rewiring the brain takes time, patience, and consistent practice. With dedication and persistence, it is possible to use neuroplasticity to promote healing and recovery from trauma and negative thinking.
From Self-Loathing to Self-Compassion
• When we begin to dislike ourselves?
• How did we develop this kind of emotional self-harm?
• Why do we stay in the habit?
• What stops us from extending self-compassion to ourselves?
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Let’s take a step back and reflect on our own childhood. It’s essential to remember that every story carries answers rooted in our past experiences. By examining our childhood, we can gain insight into how our experiences have shaped our beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors as adults. Understanding our past can also help us identify patterns that may be holding us back or causing us distress, allowing us to make positive changes for our present and future.
There are several important factors that can significantly influence the outcome of your adult life. These include:
Parenting style: The way your parents raised you and the values they instilled can shape your attitudes, behaviors, and relationships as an adult.
Parent-child attachment: The bond you had with your parents during childhood can impact your ability to form healthy relationships and your overall emotional well-being as an adult.
Child’s temperament: Your natural disposition and personality traits can affect how you interact with others and navigate different situations throughout your life.
Economic conditions: The financial stability and resources available to your family during your upbringing can influence your educational and career opportunities, as well as your overall quality of life.
Sibling relationship: The dynamics and quality of your relationships with siblings can have a lasting impact on your social skills, communication style, and ability to form close relationships.
Coaching Tip
Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. Instead, it is an act of mercy and kindness that requires a great deal of strength. To be compassionate is to be brave and of Taqwa mindset. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness, care, and concern that one would offer to a loved one. It involves acknowledging one’s own suffering and responding with understanding, support, and comfort. Self-pity, on the other hand, is a self-centered and negative emotion that involves feeling sorry for oneself and wallowing in one’s own misery.
Practicing self-compassion takes courage and vulnerability. It requires us to acknowledge our own flaws and imperfections and to offer ourselves forgiveness and acceptance. By cultivating a compassionate mindset, we can develop greater resilience, emotional well-being, and a deeper sense of connection with ourselves and others.
Reprogramming negative self-talk is an essential aspect of cultivating self-compassion and building a healthier relationship with oneself. One way to do this is to catch negative self-talk and replace it with kinder, more compassionate words. For example:
Instead of saying “I am so stupid” or “I am so fat,” try saying, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes” or “I am beautiful just the way I am.”
Remind yourself that Allah is the most forgiving and gives us countless chances to grow and learn.
Say to yourself, “Be gentle to yourself, soul. You are learning and growing every day.”
Focus on the effort rather than the result. Say, “Alhamdulillah, I tried my best and put in the effort. That is what matters, not the outcome.”
Feeling sad about not being able to complete all tasks can be overwhelming. However, it’s essential to remind yourself of the blessings you have. You have tomorrow, good health, and loved ones around you, which are more valuable than anything else. Remember to be grateful for what you have and focus on the positive aspects of your life.
When you find yourself comparing yourself to other people and putting yourself down, it’s essential to practice self-compassion and shift your perspective. Here are some things you can say to yourself:
“I am unique and have my own strengths and weaknesses.”
“I am doing the best I can, and that’s enough.
“It’s okay to make mistakes; they are opportunities for growth and learning.
“I choose to focus on my own progress and not compare myself to others.”
“I am worthy of love and acceptance, just as I am.”
Remember that self-compassion is a practice, and it takes time and effort to cultivate. Be patient and gentle with yourself and try to approach your thoughts and feelings with a non-judgmental attitude.
With consistent effort and practice, you can build a more compassionate and positive relationship with yourself.
Next time you start feeling overwhelmed and agitated about something, and the easiest thing to do seems like beating yourself up, STOP. Instead, tell yourself that you are trying your best, that you have tried before, and that you might be tired and sad, but you are still worthy. Remember to be kind and compassionate to yourself and acknowledge that it’s okay to not be perfect all the time.
Surah Mulk Aya 14
“How could He not know His Own creation? For He alone is the Most Subtle, All-Aware.”
“Allah is Al-Lateef:
“Even those inconspicuous anxieties murmuring deep within the chambers of your heart, which you do not understand, nor are you able to properly express them your Lord, a/-Latif, is fully aware of them.”
Silent whispers
Ya Lateef, only You know how my heart aches and spirit dwindles; heal me, help me, protect me. (Ameen)
Taken from the book “ No One Taught Me This , A transformational guide for parents to lead a blissful life” IrambintSafia
Chapter 2 : compassion, fueled by Taqwa
