BY: SAHAR NASIR ARIF
We always talk about victims of sexual violence but have we ever thought how these rapists are born?
The leading reason behind this sickening crime is patriarchy, more specifically, the toxic masculinity. This toxic masculinity is not just developed in two days or two years. It is developed over the period of time, starting right when the child is around the age of 5.
It is said that, “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.”
This African proverb hints toward the origin of this toxic masculinity. It is interesting to note that these African proverbs do not mention family, rather they mention the village, there is another African proverb which suggests that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, that implies that if the parents are not available due to any unfortunate reason then there should be someone else from the immediate family or the extended family, or the super-extended family who would nurture and help the child because it is the unconditional love from the care givers which develops the child’s character and helps him to heal, and eventually builds a secure foundation of his personality which also is capable of sharing compassion with others, when needed.
When a child is not raise with love, warmth and sense of emotional security, he develops an unhealthy psyche and character. A child needs to be given unconditional love and acceptance before the age of 5, preferably till the age of 13, to build a secure foundation of his personality. Before the age of 5, parents should not punish the child, or become extremely strict to discipline him or her or even send them to school for that matter. However, unfortunately the parents in our society have zero understanding of what they are doing to their children and the schools fully participate in that.
So when a child is exposed to love, warmth and emotional safety that is when a child learns to benefit from it every time he is in pain, the child eventually understand its significance, and tends to develop respect for the feminine, and this respect becomes a part of his or her personality. Similarly, for a child who has been deprived from such love and comfort, especially during the moments when he has been hurt, or has been exposed to child abuse, may not develop the sense of respect he should give to other person. They may feel this emotional gap inside them, and as a result of this gap, they may accumulate lots of hurt inside and subsequently develop a personality which may be less compassionate to others including the female gender.
This gap, later, turns into a sense of insecurity, and this insecurity may become a reason for their aggressive behavior toward others. People who are aggressive, who tend to get more angry, who attack others more frequently, etc are perhaps more insecure from inside.
So in a nutshell, children who develop toxic masculinity are perhaps the ones who could not receive their due share of love and care from their elders while they were growing up and consequently become the ones to commit this hideous crime of sexual violence.
